The title shocks me too. I’m not so sure I even want to go here but the words continue to tap the keys so I will let out whatever wants to be set free. Controligion would have never in a million years let me delve this subject. For those that have not read THE YEAR OF THE FROG, Controligion is my made up word combining “Control” and “Religion”. I define it as as a way to command with the illusion of a moral code keeping the soul small.
Even though I am in deep thought over open relationship plausibility, I never wanted to share my sexuality so openly. I never wanted to be in place where the man I thought loved me was free to go off and share what I deemed a sacred intimacy with someone other than me. Yet as life would show me repeatedly, I have been in countless open relationships unknowingly. I am trying damn hard to understand what this is teaching me. I have changed my beliefs Controligion bestowed on me countless times as new information emerged.
I no longer believe Religion is sacred. I no longer believe God is a man nor that the Bible is the word of God but the word of many a man only at times writing glimpses of divinity. I no longer believe the word virginity was presented to me in its original meaning. I no longer believe love should be chained. I no longer believe combining a male and a female is the only way love can be shown properly. And I no longer believe I want to be blindly monogamous when the one I trust to be sharing that space with me is off dispersing his big fat dishonesty.
Is an open relationship the key? I do not know. I am afraid to go there willingly. I understand an open relationship means both parties are aware. That is my point. If I am blatantly honest with myself, I have yet to be in a relationship that I can faithfully say I was not in some way aware he was not committed to me. My gut always told me. Middle of the night awakening with an ache in my heart like an ice pick was slowly piercing, a sinful glance he tried to hide when she walked in the room, her face of shock when I appeared by his side, an article of clothing, an earring, or even worse the smell. There were countless other signs that I often ignored. It is only now I wonder why?
Do I believe it impossible to maintain monogamy? I think I did. I think Controligion programmed me to ignore man’s fraudulent fornication to remain a loyal disciple. I did not want to believe the men Controligion taught me to worship were programmed to talk a talk they could not walk. Does all this mean an open relationship is the only way love can live? I’m not here to judge. I write everything for my own sanity. But I am beginning to see that this open relationship movement of those that claim spirituality may be just another ploy by the weak to keep us from sacred divinity.
Yes, we are meant to move and change with the ebb and flow of life. Maybe we are meant to love freely those that step onto our path at times. But I also believe we are meant to be fully present in the moment while remaining true to our words and commitments. If someone comes along that takes your breath away, it is my belief you were never grounded in any faith if you cannot maintain integrity by putting off the encounter until all parties agree, choose to stay or leave.
Sex is sacred but only when we share our full energy. I do not believe divine connection is possible if I am giving a piece here and a piece there. I can feel the energy break. I have always felt it. But I did not have enough faith in my own intuition to leave a relationship only my gut told me was deception. It is again part of the fallacy. We are told to just believe so we do until we gather enough proof. My soul is trying to get me to believe in me and put faith in the feeling she knows instinctively. She no longer wants to be the fool.
I recently had the pleasure of meeting what I would deem a truly awakened man. There was an immediate connection, but he was sharing his energy elsewhere. He was brave enough to let me know. We chose to continue our friendship without crossing lines. That to me is faith. Faith that love is never hurtful. It is not hurtful to the ones who think they’re helpless to an uncontrollable feeling, and it is not hurtful to the one at home whose heart will feel the ice pick stinging. It is faith that we are being guided and shown. Maybe the encounter was only there to teach me honesty and commitment can be found in a heart surrounded by masculinity. And maybe it was there so I no longer deny my soul’s message by senselessly accepting infidelity. In any case it raised the bar significantly. I have promised myself to never let another sneak under it unconsciously.
I do not know if we are evolving to a place where sexual love can be shared openly. However I do know that if anything we do makes another question their own souls knowing then we are not in any way being loving. At this point in my life I want honesty and I want to love so hard it hurts. I want to stay with that love as long as we both evolve and I want to let you go like Mother Earth has taught when the current changes its flow. If together we can heal and evolve from a human encounter we both were aware occurred then I just might be willing to go there. To be free means to own our choices. If you do something uncontrollably or feel you must hide it then you are not in any way enlightened, free or in an open anything. I see a caged charlatan trapped in a prison of your very own dishonesty. ~ Juls ❤