Two thuds—my heart knocked on the back of my chest. Not high up where love grows but down low where it sinks when sad. Two times it made the painful thud trying to show me how this relationship would go the night he propositioned me for sex. I took note of the pain but ignored its warning, touting I could handle it.
Just sex! I have done it countless times never knowing that was all I signed up for. I always hoped for more. Then when it was over, and it always was, I felt like the un-chosen whore. Days, sometimes months it would take for me to tame back the wild heart I had let freely go.
Yet, this proposition feels powerful knowing I am signing on for a situation that I’ve been told how it will go. I recall the painful drop my heart just took to warn me. It will end, I remind myself, everything does. Let go of attachments and simply love. I mean my God, it has been seven months.
And so I walked into the storm head on letting him undress my soul. I showed him every ounce of my body, stripping down raw while trying hard to separate my being from my core, knowing he wanted nothing to do with my heart.
It was the most amazing sex of my life. With me for the first time letting my body be seen, no excuses from me. I let it move the way it wanted. Not once allowing my brain to interfere with superficial thoughts of how it looked dancing this sacred act; I am most certain occurred. At least it did for me.
He showed me just how sexual my body could be and over the course of several months, I did what I always do. I let my heart love while my mind began to think he could be the one.
Time extended. Nights turned to days. Kisses into passionate stares, I am sure meant that his soul saw mine. I saw glimpses of his—a sweet, sweet spark of gentleness he’s hidden for years. Beneath the tough exterior, I believed, he could not help but care.
Just sex became shared conversation, songs, dances, laughter and nights of nothing but holding my naked body softened by his warm touch.
And then as quickly as it began my full heart dropped two thuds down low where it sinks when it’s sad. My once flexible heart now feels stiff and sore to match the lump in the back of my throat hurting bad. I sit here in confusion beating myself up with every painful heartbeat. Really?
Juls, it was all very clear. How in the hell can you claim confusion?
But I can. I am confused. Because I feel my love is magical. I feel it swirls joy to all it touches. I feel it could open the most hardened heart to reveal it is magic too. Because I feel I deserve to be loved back beyond anything I can see right now behind the salty tears clouding my sight this sleepless night.
He did not tell me goodbye. He ignored me like I am glass, looking through me, never even seeing me. Was I even there? Do I matter to anyone at all? Do I matter to me? Was the two thud warning my chance to prove my own care? Will I ever learn that how I treat myself is how others treat me?
I too looked through myself that very first night like nothing more than a piece of glass. He could not see me because I did not see myself. The shards of glass now pierce my heart cruelly to remind me I had the chance. Ignore yourself and get ignored. Ignore the warning your soul speaks gently. Harsh reality explodes—two thuds down deep in that place so sad where we spend a lifetime fleeing.
Not this time. I will not leave me. I’m the one that brought me here freely. Maybe if I stay with me and comfort my own pain, someone will walk through my door one day to do the same. Bleed now heart. I’ll care for you until the glass removes and I can look myself full on and see my love for you.
Two thuds, I know it hurts so bad, ripping my heart apart. One thud for the love I tried to give to another hardened heart. One for the heart I ignored inside my very own chest. Trying to teach me to trust myself and stop the insane madness. ~ Juls<3