I worked as a Therapist doing various forms of individual and couples therapy for patients of all ages dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, autism and countless other afflictions. Despite my ability to be good to others and help them follow dreams, I had difficulty following my own because I was always conforming. I have been writing since I was a little girl and went to graduate school in the hopes of writing but the scientific approach numbed my creative voice. My goal is to write creatively from my spiritual source within rather than someone else’s scientific path before me. I want to inspire others to move in their own direction of happy.
Oh to be happy. Isn’t that what life is about—to be happy? It is what motivates our every decision, forever seeking a happy ending. But ask someone what happiness looks like and watch them pause, blankly staring into space. It is at least the response I got from clients. What does happiness look like? What is it to you? One thing I know for sure is unless we can answer that question, we will never find it or, even worse, we will not recognize it until it is gone. It is our human journey to seek it out, yet so many are lost not knowing which way to turn. Even though it seemed I had the answers at my fingertips, I was no better off than the rest.
I used many forms of energy medicine while being a biofeedback practitioner. The idea was to teach focused relaxation. I saw clients make amazing changes requiring immense strength because change disrupts our life, our insides, and overwhelms our minds. We naturally like things to stay the same no matter how unhealthy it may be. As I watched clients conquer unhealthy patterns to move in the direction of happiness, I sought my happiness, often using the new-age equipment on myself.
In my travels I was introduced to similar ideas of old, sparking my interest in nature, eastern philosophy, and ancient skills teaching how to change frequencies without the use of costly fancy equipment or a prescription numbing guidance. If we drug feelings, it is my belief we will never find happiness, because feelings are sensory indications of which way to turn. Numbing those senses mutes the inner compass whispering directions. We will stay lost and we will never have the guts to change. Because my dear friends, those uncomfortable feelings are the guts it takes to move mountains.
For me, I thought happiness was the happily ever after presented in the stories I read—all things outside of my being; love of a man, a house, and kids is all I thought I wanted. But I learned the hard way the script I was following was not mine and therefore I would never find my peace on someone else’s path. I began to feel I had been programmed to believe in phony fairytales of who I should be, while something erased my dream. As a child, I would write getting lovingly lost in my words. Days later when I went back to read it, I often got chills at words seeming to have come from a place so foreign to me, yet oddly feeling like home. That passion got lost over the years. This book is an endeavor to get it back.
I sat with clients offering them love and nonjudgmental acceptance as they told me the hard truths but I could not give myself the same gift. Many times I wanted to tell my clients who looked up to me how my struggle too overcame me. This is my way of honoring those who confided in me, finding the strength to tell me the hard truths that always broke society’s rules. I tried to follow the rules in search of my fairytale too, only to miserably fail twice. By some unseen force, I began a path unwritten and thus I write it now in an attempt to identify my own unhealthy patterns.
This is an open examination of my life, my self-help history and journey to heal so others can hopefully relate to my difficulty. I do not want anyone to believe my beliefs. This is merely my point of view letting you see the process I went through. It is my walking the walk, I preached—to live my truth and accept reality. The greatest gift I can give past clients is a look into what life really looks like for someone they looked up to as “having it all and having it all together.”
I started this unscripted journey with advice from a child I was seeing in my practice. He and I were working on ways to overcome his anxiety about beginning public school. He had been home-schooled his whole life due to Asperger’s Syndrome. I knew full well how this precious baby had battled fear. It was a brave, huge step for him to decide to try public school. In an effort to help him prepare, I had simply asked him how he was planning to walk through that public school door the first day. His incredible answer was “1, 2, 3 GO!” This is the blog I wrote inspired by that brilliant boy.
1, 2, 3, Go! That’s what I was told by a child on how to get started on a difficult task. For me that task is writing. When I began meditating almost 10 years ago, a recurring image would pop in my head of a piece of paper with words written on it. At the time my gut said “you should write.” But about what, I had no clue. I cannot bear to think of the number of books I have started and left hanging helplessly out there in digital land. Where do some of them reside now? Your guess is as good as mine.
I chalked this urge to write up to meaning maybe I should go back to school and so I did. Be careful what you wish for? OMG, I got my feel of writing in Grad school, but nothing that soothed my soul. What I got was life sucking hours and hours of writing scientific, technical, theory themed essays and research papers I am almost positive drowned my creativity reference by reference. Where is the proof? Whose theory is this? Add more references. What about the Mexicans? Ugh! (That last bit is in no way racist but an inside joke between a fellow student and me concerning a Professor’s constant reprimands on ethical inclusion of all cultures.)
I work in a field where I blurt out scientific facts left and right. On occasion, I hear my own muffled voice as my imagination looks over my shoulder and says “Who the Hell said that? That’s brilliant. AHA!” I have always had deep thoughts. Even as a child, I recall sitting by a campfire for hours on end or watching the rain and doing nothing but thinking. My girlfriends and I used to drive out on a dirt road and watch the stars above, (drinking a $1 bottle of Strawberry Hill no doubt) and simply think.
Sometimes I discover someone brilliant already said or thought it, but sometimes not. I am tired of following rules, quoting science, filtering every thought while making sure I give credit where credit is due. It scares the bejeezus out of me to put it out there exposing my mind to be ridiculed. However, at 40 years young, I refuse to be wrangled by fear of anything one second more.
I have a goal list a mile long. This year has been one of my best at getting started on some of those goals—scuba diving, competing in races, learning Spanish, teaching myself to play my pink guitar, and now writing. Someone once said (and I’ll be damned if I am going to look up who, in fact I am not even going to put it in quotes!)… to be an artist all you need to do is paint, and to be a writer all you need to do is write. I really yearn to finish one of my books so this blog is an attempt to get me moving in that direction. No rules, no set schedule, just writing what I think when I think it. I am certain some of my thoughts will be someone else’s and I am in no way above quoting, but for once in my life I would like to just speak candidly about what ruminates in my head, rustles in my gut and resonates in my soul. This is the unedited version….. 1, 2, 3, Go! ~ Juls ♥
Juls lives in Costa Rica where she finds her inspiration in nature. She is the author of her award winning memoir, The Year of The Frog, a very adult fairy tale come true about her own journey seeking love. Her newest book to be published soon,
PachaMama Prattle is her most creative endeavor combining her love of nature, meditation, poetry and art.
Find her author works on Amazon under her pen name “Juls Amor”, a name she chose to honor her soul and her Mother’s maiden name “Love”.